“Too traumatic to relive”: Marielle, the widow of Arnaud Beltrame, will not go to trial for the Trèbes and Carcassonne attacks

Marielle Beltrame lors de l'hommage national rendu à son mari aux Invalides, le 29 mars 2018. MAXPPP – Christophe Morin

Exclusive Midi Libre. The widow of the gendarmerie colonel murdered on March 23, 2018 in Trèbes by Radouane Lakdim, whose accomplices are being tried from Monday before the special assize court of Paris, accepted a brief exchange. In his image, all modesty and discretion. Julie, the hostage who was saved by Arnaud Beltrame, will strive to go to trial, despite the after-effects of the trauma she suffered.

Just a few words, in response to the long list of questions sent by email. On the eve of the opening at the Paris Special Assize Court of the trial of the accomplices of the terrorist who murdered her husband, Marielle Beltrame remains faithful to her attitude since this terrible crime. Discreet, withdrawn, beyond sorrow and mourning.

"It’is my nature" she simply slips into this short exchange, exclusively for Midi Libre. The pain of having lost her husband, Colonel Arnaud Beltrame, on March 23, 2018, whom she was to marry religiously that summer, is still acute. Because of this suffering, she decided not to attend these five weeks of hearing.

The comfort of faith at Lagrasse Abbey

"Too traumatic to relive" she blurted out , modest. The couple had been preparing this union for several months with the canons of Lagrasse Abbey, in Aude. Every day, faith brings her comfort, faced with the absence of the man she loved.

"I know he is alive, and very happy where he is". As for admiration for the heroic gesture of her husband, who took the place in the hands of the terrorist, of Julie, the cashier held hostage, the widow of the gendarmerie officer evades it almost. "All the better if he inspires and encourages others, too, towards good."

"I'm still in a state of panic" confesses Julie

 Julie Grand, 46 years old, also has difficulty speaking. On the phone, the voice is blank, interspersed with silence. "Today, my daily life has calmed down, I got married, life should be easy… And it’s now that I realize the after-effects I’m carrying. I have nightmares, I have trouble concentrating, and I always imagine the worst. I fight against this feeling of the catastrophe that will fall on me. It sounds crazy to say that I'm still in a state of panic, no ? But it's true."

An hour in the hands of the terrorist

The disaster was that terrible day when Radouane Lakdim took her hostage for nearly an hour at the Super U in Trèbes, after having killed two people. "The time spent alone with him was very intense. I stopped myself from being scared, because fear prevents me from thinking."

She then remembered training in communication in difficult situations."I concentrate on my gestures and my breathing, on what I can say or not. These are long minutes to tell myself, here, I'm going to spend it… Where will the bullets pass through my body ? Will the doctors be able to make me survive ?"

"Arnaud Beltrame avoided a bloodbath"

 As she tries to lure the terrorist towards the entrance of the supermarket, hoping that a sniper will be able to eliminate him, a column of gendarmes arrives. "It’became extremely tense and violent. The bullets were going to fly. She feels the barrel of the killer's gun shaking against her skull. "That’s where Arnaud Beltrame intervened. He avoided a bloodbath."

A clear voice: "Your mouth, step back, I'll take it." And this exchange with Lakdim: "Release the little lady, she has nothing to do with it. I represent the State, take me in its place."

 Julie assures him: "I saw that he was a good negotiator who chose his words carefully . Who had guts, and a lot of know-how, in his mission, which was to protect. He had professional skills that could have saved his life and a better chance than me of coming out alive. But things did not turn out favorably. He was murdered."

Guilt and pain for Marielle Beltrame

 A weight present, ever since, in his life."I don’t have raw, immediate guilt. It’s finer and more tortuous than that. I have infinite pain when I think of his wife. I felt like I owed him this public testimony, with my book*. "

 Deeply atheist, Julie also recently found faith at Lagrasse Abbey. "When I panic, I pray. On a daily basis, I find great peace there". Will she come to the trial ? "I'll watch some bits, if I have the guts. I still need to understand how he prepared his move. Find out if the choice of Super U was a coincidence." Marielle Beltrame will not be there. By the way, how is she ? "To any stranger I meet, and therefore to journalists, I would just say: "Good , thank you." Prudish, discreet. Until the end.

His life for mine, Julie Grand, Artège, 17€ I subscribe to read more