Anxiety, guilt, devaluation… the nice girl syndrome: what is it ?

The Nice Girl Syndrome: What is it ?

Desire for perfection, fear of disappointing others, respect for the rule, reluctance to speak up, decisions made based on others, to please them… Maybe you suffer from the nice girl syndrome, a situation in which you forget yourself too much.

The “nice girl syndrome” was first described by an American psychotherapist, Lois P. Frankel. “We often find it in therapy”, notes Corinne Chantegrelet, Gestalt practitioner and professional coach. It is characterized by “a difficulty in taking one's place and living one's life, out of respect, out of loyalty, in order not to “be mean”. It is about forgetting oneself to preserve others, especially if these others are parents, family".

Permanent adjustment

Indeed, the women or young girls in question think and act according to others. They imagine and anticipate what the other will think if they proceed in one way or another. In constant search of approval and also for fear of judgment, above all.

Self-forgetfulness

Unfortunately, this type of behavior has consequences, “in other spheres of life: family, friends, but also professional”, continues Corinne Chantegrelet. Indeed, the nice girl syndrome is likely to "generate anxiety, guilt, devaluation, even failure or sabotage". To such an extent that the patients concerned, installed in the permanent adjustment, completely ignore their own desires.

Advice to parents

This syndrome often results from a form of conditioning, since childhood. “To parents who have a child who presents this typology, I would advise them first of all to look at how they have participated – or participate in this problem", continues Corinne Chantegrelet. And to illustrate: “a simple sentence, repeated in all possible modes and on several subjects, such as, for example: ‘eat your soup, come on, please mom’ will lead the child to adjust to the desires of the other and to put aside his own, at the risk, one day, of no longer “feeling” his own desires and wishes”. And if, “at the end of the soup, Mom adds: “you know that I love you” … an internal process is set in place: “I eat my soup, Mom is happy, Mom loves me”. So ‘if I forget myself, I am loved’…"

Psychotherapy

It should be noted that this syndrome was first theorized in women but it can also affect men. In any case, if it continues into adolescence and adulthood, getting out of this spiral generally involves psychotherapeutic treatment. With the challenge above all of learning to identify and express one's own desires.